2017/11/26

I think my depression is back. I can feel it. God I am so afraid. I start feeling pain. A lot of pain. I miss my friends in the US. I have no friend to talk to here. I miss my happiness. I miss the positive thinking.

Well don't anyone tell me not to think too much! I don't need that. I just need a warm hug and a warm heart.

No suggestion thank you.

--

2017/11/12

The only person who understands your exact feeling is yourself.

--

2017/11/12

憂鬱症不是一句「不要想太多」就會好的,不要自以為是的去診斷憂鬱症患者的病徵,也不要認為憂鬱症只是「庸人自擾」,更不要隨便說憂鬱症只是「逃避現實的藉口」!

這是一種病,發病的時候需要身邊的人極大的包容,所以憂鬱症患者很多時候都沒有朋友,會變成惡性循環,越來越封閉、越來越不快樂。但真正能了解憂鬱症的人非常少;願意傾聽的人更少。「久病無孝子」人之常情。

我也是憂鬱症患者,我曾連續吃了快6年的抗憂鬱藥物,美國坊間常見的藥我都吃過,吃到後來需要換專業心理醫生才能開的特殊用藥。最痛苦的是一陣子藥就會失效,然後醫生就要再幫我換新藥,然後又有一段過渡期要適應。還有一種是藥物管理局管制藥,非常強烈,情緒極度激動時吃一顆,30分鐘內就可以安定下來,但長期吃會上癮。

憂鬱症基本上不會痊癒,只是會改善,但ㄧ陣子又會發作,發病期間不固定。最近我可以感覺經常負面情緒、每天早上不想起床、經常想哭、什麼都不如意、找不到人生的價值。

沒關係,最苦的時候都過去了,我很堅強,我可以過得很好。

--

2017/11/11

人生還有許多比公平正義更重要的事。那些不公不義就交給老天爺去傷腦筋吧!

--

2017/11/11

我目前最「討厭」聽到的話:

1-停止抱怨,正向思考。
(正向個屁!滿肚子不滿,需要靠腰才能紓壓!不抱怨就只能抱大腿,但可惜我不會抱大腿!)

2-這裡是台灣。
(台灣又怎樣?所有不合邏輯、不合理的現象在台灣就變成可以接受嗎?為什麼我們只能作賤自己?)

3-這就是公司,沒有辦法絕對公正。
(我同意人一出生就不公平,也同意天底下沒有絕對公平;但是一個公司如果太多不公平、太多不公不義,只會讓人更肚爛!)

4-自己的人生自己選擇。
(選擇個屁!人一出生就是不公平,只能在爛選項中選擇一個比較不爛的罷了。)

5-他有他的想法。
(他的想法關我屁事?我又不會讀心術,我哪知道他在想什麼?而且我也有我的想法好嗎?)

6-你不要想太多,爽爽過日子就好。
(問題是不要想太多也不見得可以爽爽過日子好嗎?)

以上,老娘這陣子想法非常負面進而極端,也不打算接受任何諫言/苦口婆心/規勸/正向積極喊話!!

當我現在極度不爽/不滿的情況下,最需要的就是「靠腰」!任何陽光普照的想法都請自動退散!有時候我就是需要一點黑暗負面力量,讓我都發洩完了我才能再回歸正常。

我真的需要好好抱怨一下!

--

2017/10/20

I had a bad week this week. Work made me feel so discouraged and I was so sick of someone. My mom happened to be in a trip, and my bf worked night shift. When I came home, the house was empty, and I felt so lonely. Last night I finally got a chance to chat with my bf, it felt like only he knew my sadness and anger. He has been very supportive, and he told me to do whatever that makes me happy. I was going to quit my job because there was one thing that I just couldn't get over it! But after a discussion with him, I changed my mind. This is how I love about him! Always know how to make me feel better! 

--

2017/10/13

Every now and then I often think of the past. Not because I miss those days, but most of the time memory is just like thunder which flash through my mind.

I still can not forgive the man who used to say he did not want any child but turns out that he is living with 4 kids now. And even more, he got her pregnant right after I returned to Taiwan! What a coincidence! This whole thing is just the biggest lie and joke I've ever heard, and it still hurts when I think of it.

Luckily, I have moved on. Even though I am not going to forgive him nor will I forget, I still move on to a better life! I am thankful for all my friends and family who are there to support me and love me. I learned to walk away. I learned to stop beating myself up. I learned to "throw away" a bad man!

My life experience is quite something, and I know I have become a better person.

Love you all my friends

--

2017/9/29

「會啊。可是你幹嘛在乎別人怎麼想?」

很多時候,我們都需要一個人在旁邊提醒我們,別人怎麼想是別人的事,自己的生活自己決定。

我男友搬到我家來住,陪我一起「照顧」我媽(其實也沒照顧,說穿了只是陪伴啦!) 還沒結婚就同居、還住到女方家來、女方家境比男方家好一點點、雜七雜八一堆聲音...... 我很佩服我男友,因為他承受的壓力一定比我大,但他總是老神在在,他說,自己過得好更重要。

所以,我就這樣厚臉皮的享受著有男友陪我一起跟媽媽住的生活。

男友說了一段名言:「你聽到狗吠,難道你還吠回去?你被狗咬了,難道你也要咬回去嗎?」從此,我不再對狗吠了。

--

2017/9/20

人活著真的很辛苦。不能說真話、只能假陪笑、與討厭的人共事、做連自己都不認同的決定⋯⋯

說什麼錯什麼、不說又對不起自己;忍著不逞口舌之快卻總在最不經意的時候破功;為五斗米折腰但常常閃到腰感覺連骨頭都散了;身不由己的時候總多過心甘情願的時候;每天早上都爬不起來上班但放假又自動醒來再無法入睡;上下交相賊、互不信任、互相猜忌、互相提防;曾經以為「問心無愧」就好、最後發現「把心丟掉」才夠;這世間哪有什麼正義可言?正義是建立在金錢與地位之上。

這個世界令我感到噁心!

但還好有你,再怎麼噁心總有你的擁抱讓我多了一點點力量繼續面對每天的戰場。

噁心一整天之後只想趕快回到有你的家,對你頤指氣使。

晚安!

--

2017/8/22

沒有什麼不可以的。
想怎樣就怎樣吧!
老話兩句:沒有誰非誰不可、沒有誰是不能被取代的。

三年多前失敗的那段感情沒有打倒我、憂鬱症沒有打倒我,就再也沒有什麼事情可以打倒我。

把心封閉起來最簡單。

我什麼人都不需要!我只需要我自己。

早就知道天底下沒有永恆,只是我一時忘記而已。

現在我又想起來了:Nothing is forever.

想起來了就好!

......當初我自己一個人在美國,無親無故。我自己去看心理醫生、自己面對諮商師、自己去做檢查、自己去拿藥、自己處理一切、自己找律師、自己出席法庭、自己完成所有我當時覺得一個人無法完成的事情。我知道女人不能只想靠男人,否則一切都會重演。

是我一時忘記了、好了傷疤忘了痛。如今是該好好的拾起當初對自己的承諾:我只愛我自己。

--

2017/8/5

另外說一下:我們選擇不創業,在外面工作,這是我們選擇的生活方式。不是我們懶惰、不是我們沒出息、不是我們怕責任。

每個人都有自己想過的生活,你們去創業、在外面打拼,你們好棒棒,你們是全家的驕傲!也謝謝你們的付出,才讓這個家過得安穩。

我們兩個現在只想穩定過生活,把身體養好,試試看未來能不能懷孕。

我們兩個都很認真工作,在公司也算重要職務。我們很滿足現況,雖然比起你們真的沒什麼成就。但就像我說的,這是我們選擇的生活方式。

我們既然是一家人,就請不要冷嘲熱諷我們沒本事創業、沒出息、不會賺錢。

謝謝。

--

2017/6/30

我覺得台灣的政治影響經濟真的太多太多了。這次出國拜訪客戶,才真正體會到一個弱勢的國家,在國際上想要生存,是有多麼困難!光我們公司想出口到泰國的產品,客戶若要透過我們的經銷商購買,就必須多付5%的進口稅,而相對的,如果購買中國大陸、新、馬的產品,是不用付稅的。所以任憑我們公司產品再好、服務再好、關係再好,都不敵那5%的殘酷現實。中小企業不斷的在國際間的窘境掙扎、苟延殘喘,而國家卻什麼也沒辦法為我們做!政治人物只為了短視近利而吵吵鬧鬧,為了選票、為了黨爭、為了權力、為了私利,卻無視於台灣外銷能力越來越弱、國家競爭力越來越差、平民百姓越難生活。

還有,人與人之間的勾心鬥角、互相猜忌、互不信任,也常是我覺得心力交瘁的地方。我記得有一次我被前老闆痛罵一頓,是關於建築師推薦跑照公司的事,我當時後知後覺,不甚明白原來人際之間的錯綜複雜,必須是我最該學習的課程。當時我並無怨言,我只怪自己實在沒學好這社會學分,所以當時在前公司度過一段不甚欣悅的時光。但是,也因如此,我更徹底明白,「會做人比會做事更重要」。我也許很會做事,但是做人的地方真的太差勁。於是乎,在我轉換到新環境時,我開始非常注意自己的言行舉止,也很在意同事、主管之間相處的眉角,尤其對於主管說的話、作的事,我會多方揣摩。但是長久下來,我覺得好累好累。有時候我想太多、有時候我想太少,每天每天,我覺得我都有點精神衰弱。我一直不懂,為什麼台灣人這麼難搞?我自己也是台灣人,我是不是也這麼難搞?這次一起同行前往泰國的,還有兩位同事、以及我們總經理。跟老闆一起出差,無論如何我都無法放鬆,每天我都是處於緊張狀態,即使是晚上吃飯,我仍然謹慎小心,很怕自己說錯話,又覺得自己一直說錯話。人與人之間,為什麼不能多一點信任、多一點體諒,做好自己該做的事、並且以工作成果下定論呢?

這次去泰國,很難得也有機會與我泰國朋友見面、敘舊。其實我自從回台灣之後,我的朋友就很少。在美國住9年,與我要好的朋友都在美國;而以前在台灣學生時代的朋友也已經有自己的生活圈,所以很多時候,我都是寂寞的。曾經我怨過這種處境,但是到現在三年了,我已經慢慢接受這樣的生活模式。而這次在泰國能與研究所時期的好朋友相聚,重新想起當時的美好回憶,真的非常溫暖。我才想起,我是一個很需要溫暖的人。我常常表現得很強勢、不服輸、要求完美,那是因為過去的種種經歷造成我在外人面前容易好強,但是當我面對多年好友時,心中柔軟脆弱的那一面卻怎麼都藏不住。我想,很多人都是這樣的吧!每件事情都有兩面、甚至多面,不論一個人再怎麼強勢,或者某個局勢如何僵持,總有某個融點,溫度到了,自然就柔軟了。

--

2017/6/18

Every once in a while my thoughts become very negative. I can't help feeling how failed I am, and what a mess my life is.

First of all, I miss friends!!! It feels like I am going to die lonely without friends... Before I moved to the U.S., I used to have a bunch of friends. We hangout quite often, or we would chat on the phone for hours! But then I left Taiwan for almost 9 years, all of my friends have their other social groups, and I started making new friends in the U.S.. At the point of that I finally have several good girl friends to hangout with, unfortunately I had to move again, back to Taiwan. So I have to start everything over! Now all of my old friends have their own social lives. I'm just not the one they would first think of anymore. They might say yes to my invitation of a cup of coffee, but if for some reason it got cancelled, they would not ask for a reschedule either. I don't blame them. I just feel sad about my current situation. I keep feeling how failed I am not be able to have any closed friend that I can truly trust and share my life with or hang out.

Secondly, my relationship with my mom is horrible, which was exactly how I imagined before I moved back home. I had a strong feeling of being looked down. It feels like I am a loser to this family. I have the highest academic degrees in all, but I have the least achievement at all. People may tell me that although my mom has a tough speech like a weapon, she has a soft heart. But a weapon can hurt people, and I feel hurt most of the time. I am getting to a point that I don't know where to go anymore.

Sometimes I feel so empty and I want to scream! Sometimes I can't find a life meaning. Sometimes I feel so depressed and I am so mad at me myself!!!! Sometimes I even look myself down.

People might say to me: you need to change. But let's be realistic, no one can be changed if keep living in the same environment. I learned that from my previous experience.

Okay! Thank you all for reading my long complaint! That wasn't easy. I just need to release my negativity and hopefully get some air hugs.... Don't mind me.

--

2017/6/14

台灣的填鴨教育,就是在培養每一個孩子像素素一樣長大!成績高分、資優班、名校、明星公司......真的屬於孩子嗎?

如果是我的孩子,我要他為自己負責。他的分數、他的表現、他的未來,我要他自己負責。我能做的就是指引他方向,讓他在迷惑時不至於迷失,培養他自我思考的能力。我不要我的孩子永遠只看到分數!分數,真的不代表一切。填鴨出來的分數,一點意義也沒有。

--

2017/4/29

之前就看過林奕含的文章,當時覺得非常沈重,因為我本身曾經是憂鬱症患者,我吃了五年多的抗憂鬱藥,發病嚴重的時候我會去撞牆、在地上打滾,胸口疼痛無法呼吸;我計畫自己開車過高架橋時衝下去,了結自己的生命......

**
這世界充滿不公平,林奕含原本是台南女中唯一學測滿級分的高材生,前途無量,高二時被補習班老師誘姦,從此患憂鬱症,痛苦糾結十年,現在結束自己生命。在輪迴中,自殺是要下地獄的,所以她死了還是繼續受苦...

而誘殺她的那個補習班老師,卻依然有著名師光環、被華麗的謊言保護著⋯⋯

**
我過去的回憶今晚又湧出來,想起過去無數個糾結的夜晚,我很幸運自己走出來了,現在過著平安幸福的生活;但林奕含就這麼結束了她的一生,26年的短暫人生裡,超過1/3的時間都是在受折磨,如果是我的孩子,我會有多麼不捨!

身為一個曾患憂鬱症的人,想告訴大家:
當有人向你發出求救訊號時,請「聆聽」。不要評論、不要出主意、不要安慰、不要鼓勵。請單純聆聽,讓他知道你在乎、你懂、你明白、你認同。讓他宣洩,讓他哭、讓他鬧、讓他盡情放縱!然後,他會冷靜下來,他的情緒有了出口,他才能真正感受到你的關心。

「聆聽」,不帶任何評判 (Just listen, no judge) 才能真正幫助憂鬱症患者慢慢走出來。

--

2017/4/19

今天你說我實在運氣好,遇到你這個智者,來開導我做人做事的道理。

你說我會做事卻不會做人,正義感爆表,老是擋人財路,雖然工作認真,但是得罪一票人,最後還是不會有好的下場。以前我會跟你爭:「我只做我認為對的事情」、「我問心無愧就好」......我老是把這些話掛在嘴邊,不是很在意你的叮嚀;直到最近,陸陸續續一連串事情發生,都驗證你警告我的話,我終於覺悟,做人比做事重要太多了,尤其在台灣職場,不是講理的地方。

我承認之前在美國居住9年的經驗,確實讓我即使回台灣3年了仍無法適應。美國職場不像這裡這麼複雜,即使工作20年的員工仍有機會被資遣。美國的人情包袱沒有這麼大,把自己該做的事情做好就好,一切照規定做,不用擔心得罪人。但是這一切在台灣是完全行不通的!我吃了不少苦頭,從一個職場換到另一個職場,仍然糾結在我自己的「正義感」裡,舉步維艱。

還好,你總在我身邊支持著我,即使在我不聽你的叮嚀而傷痕累累之下,你仍牽緊我的手,為我擦去淚水,我知道無論發生什麼事,你還是會繼續支持我,告訴我你還是愛我的。(雖然處女座男人真他X的愛講道理!)

我一直都是嘴硬的那個,我非常固執、不喜歡低頭,我討厭輸、討厭認錯;但是世界上又有誰是完美的?好吧!我承認菩薩、關聖帝君都有在罩我,讓你出現在我身邊守護我,我的確是幸運的那個。

你贏了!

--

2017/3/22

很多時候發現自己已經變成一個容易憤世忌俗、對很多事情看不慣卻又管不著、有個令人無言的上司、只能期待生活中小確幸的無奈上班族。對周遭的情況即使不滿卻無能為力;只能發發牢騷、日子還是這樣過。曾經,我也有夢想、有抱負,我也渴望改變;但經過現實生活的洗禮後,終於明白:這個世界不是我想要改變就改變得了的。

--

2017/2/25

I hate power struggle in a company!! Absolutely hate it!!! I just want to go to work, do my job, complete an assignment or task, and go home with a nice paycheck. That's all I want!!! I don't care how much power I can get as long as I can get pay for what I've worked. After all, money is the major purpose of a job, isn't it? So when I am doing an excellent job at work, and I know I am, that's because I have high standard to myself, ok?? I like to get things right, not just get things done. I know I don't need to be perfect, but I like things to be done correctly. That's how it should be! And that's how I work! So if I did my job too well and it caused your "inconvenience", that's your problem! That means you need to hurry up and catch up! That means you need to work harder! That means you need to stop whining and get your butt to work!!! Don't waste your energy to catch any little tiny mistake I've made and write a big story about it, ok?? I am a human being, and I made mistakes. So what? Don't even try to think that this is your great chance to beat me because I am stronger than you could ever image!!!!!

--

2017/1/29

Well, do I miss the old days in Ohio! Life wasn't exactly how I wanted, but I do have lots good friends and family who love me and support me in anyway they can...... Friends are the most thing I have missed since I have been back to Taiwan. Kathy Jennifer Leslie Nikki Barb Kim Erin Jane Ning Chu-Ting Linda Shelly Jennifer...... and many other friends I could not name you all. I do appreciate all your friendship and I miss you a lot. When I felt down and needed some courage, I thought of you. I know wherever I am, no matter how far we are apart, your love will be with me for the rest of my life. I love you all. 

--

2017/1/21

有時候就是要發生一些事情,才會讓自己看清楚自己的位置。 Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it takes some experience to see my position more clearly. What an experience!

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2017/1/19

Sometimes we thought we were bigger than who we actually are. Learning to see the fact clearly is one big o' lesson! 有時候我們以為自己很偉大,但事實是,我們太過自大。

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2016/12/25

"Do you believe that there's Santa?" My answer is "Of course!"

My first real Christmas is in Kathy Mortimer family. That's my best Christmas memory ever. Thank you mom and dad to give such wonderful experience for me to remember.

"Always believe in Santa, be a good girl, and you will get lots of gifts!" Yes mom, I will never forget.

Merry Christmas to all the people that I love and care! My best wish for you!

 

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