天空

Hi NN,

You have doubts about yourself. All the mean words tear your heart apart. You feel worthless and meaningless.

That’s normal.

I think I have anxiety issue and I need a professional help.

My work stress was too high. It gets to a point that I can break anytime.

If I want to choose a method to make you pay, the best one is to make you suffer the same pain that was on me, and make you feel extremely guilty and regret and hopeless.

Just wait and I will make it come true!

Sometimes when I think I have got everything under control, at the same moment bad things must happened for no reason.

Maybe I just don’t deserve to have a peaceful happy life!

5 new products development review meeting done tonight!!! I am proud of myself!

This month I have completed at least 10 new products review and it has become my new record!

I still remember my fist thunderstorm in Ohio in 2004 summer. I have never experienced a thunderstorm like this: constantly thunder so loudly along with scary wind sound. At that time I was living in an apartment in Findlay all by myself. I crowded at the corner of my bed and covered my ears with my hands every time when I heard thunder. My heart beat was so fast and I felt I was living in a horror movie. I was so frightened. I had just been to the US for a couple of weeks and I had no elsewhere to go. So I looked up my poor contact book trying to see if I can find any help, and I saw a phone number of my classmate, Ning, who is from Thailand and living with an American family. I have been to her house and met her host-mother for only one time, and I was not sure whether she would answer my call since I have just known her for a few days. Surprisely, she answered my call. I explained that I was so frightened by the thunderstorm and I felt so alone. I asked if she could just stay on the phone with me and don't hang up. I think at that moment my voice sounded terrified. She immediately said of course and she tried to calm me down. Then, all the sudden there was another man took over the phone from Ning, and he gently said to me: “Hi Fanny. My name is Chuck. Can I be your American Dad?” I was very surprised but appreciated. I said yes, and then he told me just to stay at where I was and don’t go outside. “The storm will pass soon, and you are safe as long as you just don’t go outside,” he said.

The next day, before I headed to class, they came to my apartment with a bag of supplies: pillows, blanket, snacks, and so on. My relationship with this American family has formally started. Later on, whenever there was a storm prediction, they would pick me up in ahead so that I could stay overnight in their house, and I had never been alone since.

今天是我的生日，非常非常不想面對的數字……再怎麼不想面對，事實還是來了。四十歲，沒房、沒車、沒子、工作也沒特別成就、銀行也沒幾位數。感覺怎麼跟10年前沒兩樣? 今天凌晨還被兩隻高唱求偶歌的壁虎吵醒，連生日都不讓我好睡。

It’s my birthday today. No matter how much I hate to face the age of 40, it still comes. Up till my birthday today, I still don’t have my own house, or my own car, or my own child. I don’t have special achievement on my job, nor do I have much in my bank account. I don’t feel much different within 10 years. Early in this morning when I was still asleep, two geckos were singing to each other for courtship on the ceiling of my bedroom. They just don’t want to let me sleep well even on my birthday!

It is Thanksgiving tonight in the US. I would like to thank my family and friends for always be there whenever I need you. Life is never easy, a lot of time it is full of challenges, but with your support and care, I have enough courage to face any kind of difficulty and move on. And when I feel like it is hopeless, you would be there to cheer me up and give me a big hug. I know that everyone must also have their own issues to deal with, and I appreciate you spending time to read my post and leave some words for me so that I can feel better. It really means a lot to me. Thank you my family and friends. I love you and happy Thanksgiving  🦃🍁❤️

Too much is too much! What to care? Bring it on! Who do you think you are? The world is bigger than  you could even image!

Positive thinking:
I am thankful for having a nice family, having people who care about me, having a wonderful husband, and having a variety of life experience.

I have been very down recently. Too many things happened almost at the same time, and too many “coincidences” happened, which made me wonder if all these incidents were just a joke from “fate.” I started to think that maybe it’s all because of me. There’s no reason for me to believe that I deserve a peaceful life since I seemed to be the reason for my own distress. I started feeling pity for myself, and I looked for all kinds of excuses to blame for. I was so negative and hateful, and nothing seemed to be right or at least reasonable to me, nothing, at all. I hate myself, and I hate my life. I was like a beast looking for any possibility to hurt people, including me. I wanted someone to pay for my misery, and I wanted them to experience my pain. I felt that life was so not fair, and I wanted my “justice.” I was like a spoiled brat who thought I was a very important person and I deserve people’s respect. I “empowered” the dark side of me took over my mind, and all I could think of was to revenge and to prove that I could be somebody. I started showing my dark side of personality, and I was so angry most of the time. It feels like nothing can go right at this moment, and I am so alone.

Recently I read an article about not to call your friends when you are upset or angry.

Sometimes I look at myself and think: “maybe I deserve to be alone (lonely) without any close friend.”
I have always wanted to have a sister, but that’s not gonna happen.

I was so upset these days, especially yesterday some stupid things happened at work which was just overwhelming. I was angry, disappointed, and I hated everything, including this world. It felt like nothing can be right and I was living in a broken world.